TODAY Sunday, 1 November 2026
Two days to the vote, Sally marries a moose, and the pigeon gets arrested
Today's top news from BBC, CNN and Fox News in one bulletin, read by people made of paper, fact-checked by a pigeon who is, frankly, hammered.
With Harry (anchor), Sally (on location, still in Alaska), Bernie (expert, Brooklyn, sometimes in a fake moustache), Gazza (member of the public, sometimes a Brigadier).
The running order
19 stories, one bulletin- 1
America votes Tuesday. Gazza would like to vote for Mid Terms.
Two days out, control of Congress is up for grabs. The President is rallying in Iowa and Kansas. The Democrats say they're "confident and paranoid", which Bernie says is not a strategy, it's his marriage. Gazza thinks Mid Terms is a candidate and would vote for him, because it sounds like a bouncer with a shit tattoo.
- 2
Judge: stop leaning on the vote counters
A federal judge ordered the government to stop pressuring election officials, after officials got letters telling them to set certain ballots aside. Our legal expert, Professor Clive Bellchambers of the Institute of Guessing (Bernie in a fake moustache), says letters are amateur hour: where he comes from you send a guy. He bought the degree off a guy.
- 3
Alaska: one name, two candidates, one moose engagement
The Justice Department is probing an alleged scheme to put a second candidate on the ballot with the same name as Alaska's Republican senator. The Democratic candidate says she knew nothing about it. Sally, who we forgot in Anchorage in September, reports that voters think they've had a stroke, and that a moose has proposed. She said yes.
- 4
Michigan Democrats find unity in separate pews
Days before the vote, Michigan's Democratic Senate nominee and his old primary rival won't campaign together, and the rival turned up at church next to the Republican. Bernie says it's like shagging your ex's brother at the wedding, and God would like to be left out of it.
- 5
Clocks go back. Gazza goes back to 1986.
America put its clocks back this morning after the Senate stalled a bill to end the switching for good. Gazza drank eight beers in the repeated hour that legally never happened, then set his clock back too far and woke up in 1986 with a mullet. Our fact-checking pigeon disputes this. The pigeon is also wanted for an incident involving a judge.
Covered byFox News
- 6
Europe is skint and absolutely livid
Cost-of-living protests are spreading: German marches turned violent with shops looted, and more than 300,000 people marched in France. Sally reports from Berlin, by which we mean Alaska, where she is still stuck and engaged to a moose. France marches every weekend anyway. It's cardio with cheese.
- 7
$6.3bn crypto hack. Get well soon, Bi Nance.
Binance says it is covering about 90% of the losses from a $6.3bn hack the FBI blames on North Korea. Gazza thinks Binance is a sad bloke called Bi Nance and wants to buy him a pint. Bernie explains it's a company, calls Gazza an inbred wombat, and says he prefers to steal slowly, with paperwork, like a gentleman.
- 8
Poland's constitutional court is not tennis
Police were deployed outside Poland's top constitutional court as the Prime Minister and the President fight over who controls it, after two senior judges were suspended. Gazza assumes it's tennis. Sally, reporting by fax from Alaska, says it isn't, and that justice is locked out of her own building, banging on the glass with her little scales.
- 9
Some actual good news: Oleshky families reunited
Families from the occupied Ukrainian town of Oleshky have been reunited with loved ones after a ceasefire let buses get them out, some after 1,711 days apart. People there survived on garden weeds. They are harder than anyone in our studio. Somebody give them a cake. Not Gazza. He'll eat it.
- 10
Brigadier Custard: the Gulf is waiting for Wednesday
Fears are growing that fighting with Iran could restart after the American midterms. Our defence expert, Brigadier Nigel Custard, retired (Gazza in a hat), says the whole region looks like a bloke at a card game who just heard the door lock, and that oil traders are, in the official military term, very nervous indeed.
- 11
Italy pays millions to keep seized superyachts afloat
Italian taxpayers are reportedly paying millions to keep seized Russian superyachts afloat, because confiscating a floating palace still comes with a mooring bill and someone polishing a gold toilet nobody is allowed to use. Bernie, on the marina, has pledged to use it anyway, for the people.
Covered byCNN
- 12
Britain back in the EU? Gazza does the hokey cokey
A former chancellor says Britain's future should be inside the European Union and that Brexit made the country poorer. Gazza says ten years of in, out, shake it all about, and he still can't take a sausage roll through Calais. His mum voted to leave because she thought the European Union was a gym.
Covered byBBC
- 13
Airbnb guests spared the washing up
New Airbnb rules stop hosts making guests wash up or take the bins out. Sally once paid £400 for a shed in Margate with a chore list longer than Gazza's criminal record. Feed the cat, it said. The cat was dead.
Covered byBBC
- 14
Be nice to the chatbot, says the chatbot company
An AI company says users aren't allowed to be mean to its chatbot. Bernie, who yells at the toaster, his brother-in-law and the moon, wants to know who taught it boundaries. Not his mother. She threw a shoe at a priest.
Covered byCNN
- 15
Retired professor 1, delivery robot 0
In Philadelphia, a retired professor was arrested for blocking a delivery robot. Gazza calls it the world's worst wedding dance and notes that, as usual, nobody arrested the pizza. Sally has a moose. Gazza now wants the robot.
Covered byCNN
- 16
- 17
Halloween: severed hands, Northern Lights, terrifying prices
A supermodel went to her New York party as a giant severed hand, the Northern Lights danced over Britain, and costume prices scared everyone. Sally went as a journalist with a pension. The Northern Lights took one look at Swindon and went back to Norway.
- 18
Big storm forecast for Election Day
A storm is forecast to hit the middle of America on Election Day. Gazza's advice: bring a brolly, bring a pie, and if the bloke next to you has the same name as your senator, nick his umbrella.
Covered byCNN
- 19
The long walk home ends in Hull
A British adventurer who set off to walk home the long way nearly three decades ago finishes his 31,000-mile trek in Hull on Monday. Deserts, jungles and war zones, and the prize at the end is Hull.
Covered byBBC
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